PLEASE! Check my poem out??

"Last Resort"


That deep, lonely, and scary place,


my only last resort.


With tear-stained cheeks, I contemplate.


How can this be so real?


Become my true reality?


Didn’t know this was near,


I was taken by surprise,


and now I’m paying.





Everything appears so dismal.


Dark, long, matted-up hair,


hangs shaggy over my green eyes.


Smokey, purple bruises,


spread quickly across my body,


like some deadly disease.


Always retching so endlessly,


the stench of spewing liquid,


like stomach virus all the time.


The scent just makes me cringe.


Blisters bubble across my hands,


a burning sensation.


Appear from tugging at the ropes,


that drape along my neck and hands.


Blisters begin to bleed badly,


no longer can I tug,


or pull at the thick, light-brown ropes.


Hands now so delicate,


afraid they might break if I keep tugging.


And all in the meantime,


you sit in your stupid corner,


and snicker at me loud,


showing your bountiful gold teeth.


Treat me like I’m just dirt,


as I sob and shout for my life.





Stare up at the dark sky,


wondering why this is my life.


How I got stuck,


in this deep, dark, mud-like substance,


I’m living my last resort,


and I can’t seem to just break free.


Dying in this dark hole,


I only wish for freedom.


***************************


(i posted this a long time ago) But i was wondering, is my word choice decent? Or too imature? I was looking through my poem folder thing, and came across it. So what do you think of it? Do you like it? Do i need different word choices?? THANK YOU!

PLEASE! Check my poem out??
That was good,





But the second stanza is my absolute favorite. Its very descriptive, and flowed very well. The mention of light-brown added a type of irony in how thats a very calm gentle color.





Steve E is somewhat right though, especialy with the first stanza. Don't say scary; it really doesn't sound scary when you say that.
Reply:its good. you whould keep woeking. its not imature. i like it. no i dont hink you ned diff. words it came from you and its good.
Reply:I have felt like your poem before.





I guess my question to you would be are you in a better place now?





The poem is an expression of what you were going through at a certain point in your life. Leave it the way it is. You might lose something if you change it around.
Reply:very nice. do you write lyrics at all? i am a lyricist. and i used to write only poetry. try it! p.s. instead of "mud" try...something more visceral. -kj-
Reply:um wow its really long but i think u did good im not an expert so yea i dont think what i say counts but any ways i think ur poems viscous keep writing u might get some where some day. . .


but these parts scared me a lil:





Smokey, purple bruises,


spread quickly across my body,


like some deadly disease.


Always retching so endlessly,


the stench of spewing liquid,


like stomach virus all the time.


The scent just makes me cringe.


Blisters bubble across my hands,


a burning sensation.


(eww very graphic)
Reply:It sounds a little juvenile. One rewrite to update some words and it'll be fine
Reply:I loved the third stanza. I love the whole poem actually. I think that that is a lot of depth and that you should keep writing. It expresses inner thoughts and you are very talented.





Great work! ; )
Reply:You do seem need some rewording... I mean you go from 'dismal', 'spewing' and 'cringe' to "...stupid corner..." and "...mud-like..." It's like your trying to combined 2 different types of writing into 1. The kind where you use big words to describe great detail, and they kind where you don't. The kind where you just put how you were feeling using simple words.





Again, as I believe I've said this before, try writing a short story with it. You have the potential to write a brilliant short story with wording like that. But a poem...not so much... What your trying to go for is brilliant 'n like the fact that your trying to go for it. But a poem is not the way to achieve this.





Luck.



my dog